Still no change

Well, this is getting thoroughly frustrating. My husband isn’t any closer than he was in July 2010 to landing a new job. That contract position that I reported in July that could have turned into full-time regular employment fizzled. The contract worker was offered an extended contract of 3 months when the first 6  months ended, but that’s not the worst of it. The company in question opened up a new office, and my husband applied for one of two openings. It’s in a related specialty to his usual one and in which he has had a few years’ practice, so he was qualified for the job. He interviewed–in fact, he went through a three-interview process and did well, only to be told he was not hired. We were sure that it was going to turn into a job, but he didn’t make the cut. (At that time, he had also interviewed with one other company, but was not called back. These are the only interviews he’s had in over six months.)

Even though a job in the new office fell through, he was told there still was a chance he’d get his old position back after the contract worker’s contract expired. So, there was reason to be optimistic. In the meantime, things were looking sketchy: One of his excoworkers was let go, due to a low volume of files. He had been with the company for seven years. Then when it would have been time to hire my husband on in his old position, he was told that position no longer existed and the few remaining files that he would have handled would be going up to another office.

So, we are in a worse predicament than before. All his leads from friends dried up months ago. There haven’t been any prospective openings in several weeks. There is little hope that anything will improve. Did I mention, too, that his boss had told him last Halloween that he’d be let go at the first of the year if business didn’t improve? Fortunately, it’s picked up a little, but not significantly enough to feel at ease and that the other shoe won’t drop at any time.

In the meantime, work has picked up for me, thank goodness. I got into the good graces of the boss of the local company that used to send me a majority of my work. She is keeping me steadily busy, and I have some other work as well. Still, what I earn could barely pay even a quarter of our bills. And we live pretty modestly. I’m still scrimping and saving. In fact, this week I made an investment into my old, compact vehicle and got it up and running again for just $200. With gas at $4.31 a gallon in my area,  I will more than make up for the cost of the repair in the amount I save in gas money within just a few short weeks. ($85 a tankfull vs. $39 a tankfull to go the same distance.) I’m thrilled about that. Plus, by driving this car, I can put off getting the next oil change in the SUV, which would need it in a few hundred miles.

So, there are some bright spots. But in the long run, not so good. If one goes by the maxim that it takes one month for every 10,000 dollars one typically earns in salary to find a comparable job, my husband has at least another 4 or 5 months to go before he lands a decent position. Let’s hope that maxim is wrong, and that it errs in our favor.

Two-and-a-half months later . . . still no change

Well, it’s been nearly three months since my last post and I’ve not much more to report.

The possible turnaround that I reported in the last post turned out to be a dud. The job for my husband never materialized–instead, he was offered a six-month contract through a temp agency at an hourly rate, which he turned down. He was told, however, that at the end of the six months, if the job turns into a full-time salaried position with benefits, he would be at the top of the list for hiring. A woman who got her law degree the same time as my husband ended up taking the temp position. I’m thinking that if she is working out, the company may just offer the full-time position to her. After all, she is the one handling the current cases. She has the familiarity with these files. It would only make sense to keep her on, especially if she is willing to take less pay than my husband.

So, the bright spot is not so bright after all, but there’s a glimmer of hope.

For me, well, not much has changed. In fact, things have gone south. The database entries stopped coming two weeks ago (I will follow up this coming week if I don’t hear from them soon), I’m getting just one small assignment a month from the local company that used to be the moneymaker for me, and after a couple months of not getting work from the other local publisher, I have been getting assignments, but they’re low-paying and time-consuming. The story of my life this year.

A couple weeks ago I did receive an e-mail from a small publisher in Texas, to whom I had applied in early November. The editor who contacted me said she would like to talk over the phone regarding qualifications and availability. I didn’t hear from her in a week, so I shot her a follow-up e-mail. She got back to me, but said she was heading out of town and would call me when she returned. She should be back in the office this coming week. I hope I get good news and not more work that is low-paying, low-volume, and sporadic. I would love to hook up with a publisher who could use me exclusively (kind of like my project editor friend here, who is now basically no longer in the business–I used to be her first contact for jobs, but she’s pulled way away from working and I’m no longer getting much of anything). We’ll find out more this week.

In the meantime I’ve got one small ($90) assignment from Michigan (I love this type of editing, but the jobs are few and far between) and I’m finishing up working on the recreational listings for a local magazine publisher–a job I swore off last year, but took again this year because of my desperation to make any money.

Honestly though, I’m just nickel and diming this year. I hope things improve.

Could this be a turnaround?

It’s been so long since I last wrote. Things have been pretty much uneventful since then–until now. I keep looking, but I have just a couple companies sending me work: the new one for which I edit/rewrite pop culture database entries, and the company I have been with for years, for which I proofread juvenile nonfiction books. The new work is picking up; it’s time-consuming and doesn’t pay well, but it’s interesting and I’m enjoying it. The old work is drying  up; my main contact is cutting back on the number of manuscripts she handles and the company has had to cut back on the number of times it sends out books for proofing by half. I enjoy the work, but it is slow in coming. Through my main production ed. I received names of others who might be able to send me manuscripts, but so far I’m still waiting.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel–My husband may be taking another job. Notice that I didn’t say “new” job? It’s not exactly new; it’s the job he left to take the one he currently has, which, like a lot of my work, is fizzling out. I am ambivalent about this move, if it happens, and it looks as though it might. I like where he works now–it’s low key, laid back, unpretentious, and apolitical. The “new” job is in a swanky building, requiring dressing up (he doesn’t like to wear suits), answering to others, and playing office politics. These are some of the reasons he moved to where he currently works. The main reason, however, was an incorrigible boss, who is no longer employed at this branch. My husband will have to bill way more hours than he does now–another downside–but he will have a job with decent benefits (including medical and dental, something we’ve had to go without for some time), a retirement account, and vacation pay. Big-ticket items his current boss couldn’t swing with his small firm.

He seems excited, especially since his workload in the current place was dwindling down to a trickle and he was worried that his boss wouldn’t be able to keep him much longer, meaning he’d have to collect unemployment and be thrown to the wolves to look for another job.

So, we may be in for some positive changes.

Burning bridges

OK, if this positivity thing were a marathon, I’d be running in the opposite direction. I’m not doing well at all, but I plan to turn a new leaf, go back to square one, take the bull by the horns, and, well, every other cliche meaning to give it another try.

You see, I’m doomed if I continue in the path I’m on. In fact, the other day I think I took it a step too far. I may have cut off one of my oldest and dearest friends by being Mrs. Gloom and Doom. I was hiking with my friend and I told her I think I’m over the edge. I told her I think, in fact, that I may be depressed. That I should see a doctor. That I wouldn’t even get up in the morning if I didn’t have to see the kids off on their day. I may have “walking depression,” if there is such a thing. If not, I’ll be the first to coin the expression. It’s like walking pneumonia–you can get on with your day and not be bedridden, but you are still quite ill. Well, that’s how I’d been feeling, only the symptoms weren’t a bad cough and a fever, but rather gloom, doom, thoughts of impending disaster, thoughts that the world–my world–was going to only get worse instead of better. I was afraid to have optimism, because every time I found a job lead, I would be shot down with no job offer, not even a phone call or a rejection notice.

It was bad. I was nearly in tears.

I was (and I hate to admit this unattractive quality) pitying myself. I hate when people pout and feel sorry for themselves. It’s not a good habit to get into and it just digs the hole deeper. I may have been feeling depressed–maybe even clinically depressed–but I realize know I can get out of that hole before it gets so deep that the walls cave in on me.

I had thought that I was doing everything in my power to help my situation by sending out numerous resumes and searching the job boards for hours daily. But what I was missing was the right attitude.

Well, my friend, who has the power to hire me at the shop that she manages (but who gave the job to a mutual friend because the bigger boss liked her), will probably never again consider me for a position, if in fact she ever had (I’m not so sure she had no matter how much I begged). After seeing me on Friday, I wouldn’t hire me either. I was blaming others for the predicament I was in. Sure, I thought I was doing everything I could to find work, but was I really? Was I approaching life with the glass-half-full outlook or my usual glass-half-empty-and-I will-now-die-of-thirst-because-there-is-not-now-nor-ever-will-be-enough-water-in-this-world-to-quench-my-thirst scenario.

But I’m turning a new leaf, grabbing the bull by the horns, yada, yada, yada.

My outlook was unhealthy. I found myself gaining weight too. I’m not eating much, but I’ve put on several pounds in the past week or so. This has to do with more than the amount of food I’m shoving in my mouth or the fact that I’m packing on middle age poundage. It must have to do with my unhealthy attitude, too.

So, during this holiest of weeks of the year, I will sacrifice as Jesus did. Of course, my sacrifice won’t involve loss of a human life, but it will involve improving one. I will do my best to make this the best week of my life. I will.

. . . because I have so much to be grateful for, including:

1) A thoughtful oldest child who gave me a wonderful Mother’s Day present last year, which I finally got around to using today.

2) A husband to share a lovely breakfast with (my daughter’s gift).

3) The most amazing weather on the planet.

4) A treadmill to help me reach my goal to shed those pesky “toxic” pounds.

5) No job to have to go to daily (ironic, eh?) so that I can be home with my kids this week while they are off from school.

Ups and downs, way downs

My goal toward being a happier, more positive person is not so easy. I have my ups and downs. For some reason the downs take up more of my life.

I applied for two jobs again today, after a rather dry spell of nothing being posted that fit my skills.  But I think I committed a huge faux pas.

When I was nearly done prepping my cover letter e-mail to send to the second prospective job, I double-checked the first one, which I’d already sent, for errors. That’s when I realized that I screwed up royally. I had cut and pasted text from a previously sent e-mail into this new one and left some of the text in from the old e-mail. So it makes no sense and mentions the name of the other employer. I’m so doomed, not only because this job not only sounded completely relevant to me, but also because it may be with the same publisher whose work I’ve been proofing and editing for years and years. Aargh!

I feel like sending another e-mail, apologizing for my goof-up, but it may be too late. What a total fool I am.

And last night, to make myself feel even more down, I learned that my two nieces, one of whom is broke, newly married and pregnant, and the other, a well-paid health care professional, are meeting in New York before the health care niece and her boyfriend depart for Europe. Why is it that everyone else seems to find time to travel but me and my husband of 25 years? Why is money so tight with us when he is a professional? Why doesn’t he feel we deserve a nice trip? It makes me sad.

Finally some good news, I think

I received a mass e-mail from the senior writer and editor of a company I researched and wrote ten difficult database entries for a few weeks ago.  She stated that there is a new contact person who will be distributing more entries to the writers, and she sent an invoice template to return for future work and past work, if any. It was a mass e-mail, as I mentioned, so I’m not certain if it was intended for me for both reasons or just to send me the invoice template, which I needed.  I intend to view it in a positive light and assume it was a precursor to receiving more writing assignments.

And that makes me happy.

My morning was so-so. A friend sent me a message to follow up on a resume I’d sent to a local employer looking for part-time help. I told her no, I did not yet hear back, and then went on to inform her of all my bad luck so far. I hate to wallow, but I’ve been wallowing. A lot. Lately. I feel like sending her an update, letting her know about the e-mail I received from the senior writer, but I may be getting my hopes up for nothing. Still, I will remain positive and on an even keel lest I tip over.

With my spare time today, I was able to watch a movie on demand. It’s an Oscar contender, so I’m glad I got to see if before the Academy Awards show this weekend. See, free time isn’t all that bad (I need to remind myself of this all the time).

Today, I am grateful for:

1) E-mail, for receiving warm wishes, great news (I’m going to be a great-aunt, I just learned today!), and hope in the guise of an employer who might have liked me, really liked me after all.

2) Movies, for taking us out of our world and bringing us into other worlds of hope and joy, or even fear and loathing.

3) Babies, for reminding us of the joy that is in this world for us to introduce them to.

4) My amazing mom, who will be a great grandma this year, and who was the best mother in the world.

Awful, awful start to the year

I realize that the title of this blog isn’t even close to being positive, but I  had to express myself. I’m not doing well at all in the way of remaining positive. My job prospects are gloomy and not getting any brighter.

 A week ago I thought for certain I had a new source of income. Now, a week after turning in my first assignment during a sort of probationary period and not having heard back, I realize I’m not getting another assignment. (This possibility was spelled out in the contract, but I thought that after having passed the writing/editing test and then having been entrusted with even a first batch of entries, I’d be a shoo-in for receiving more. No such luck.)

So, I continue to spend hours every day scouring the help-wanted ads, aka the online job boards, searching for anything that looks like a match. I send out at least one or two resumes a week. Still nothing.  

I wonder when things will turn around. I haven’t been this slow in five or more years. So far, I’ve made less than half of my usual take.

And I can’t even seem to land a minimum wage job to help supplement my income.

It can’t go on much longer. It just can’t.  My income isn’t just for extras like family vacations or clothes or things for the house, it’s also for the necessities like groceries and car repairs and insurance.

I’m beginning to panic.

But I am determined to end this post with a positive note. Therefore, I am grateful for:

1) My health (’cause things would be a helluva lot worse if I were ill)

2) My home, which I decided to clean today instead of sitting down and going over the job boards from 11:45 until 1 today. May we always be able to pay the mortgage.

3) TV and books, for taking my mind off the misery for a brief period anyway.

4) Appliances that are currently in working order, because replacing them now would really hurt.

5) My family.

My progress so far . . . not great

It’s been nearly a month since I last put down a thought, and I must say, things have not gone so well since then.

The thing that seems to be in my way of making progress is my work schedule–it’s nearly empty. Suddenly, a couple weeks ago, I was inundated with job offers: A book to proof from the boss of the woman who usually sends me books to proof. Then, a couple days later, another book to proof from my usual source. On top of that I was told I passed the test I took on Martin Luther King Jr. weekend and I’d be sent ten entries to edit. I had one week to complete the assignment, which was as difficult as the test, and if I did well on those first 10, I’d be sent more. It was a type of probationary basis, I suppose. I turned those entries in eight days ago, but have yet to receive more. I’m thinking not good thoughts. Could I have possibly blown my probation?

I also at that same time, received a very small book–a kids’ nonfiction text–from the main publisher of the books I usually proofread. I enjoyed that gig, and am hoping to get more assignments, but so far, nothing.

I also was working on a small article for a local magazine. Already turned that in on Monday.

Now I am without anything. It’s hard to believe that I was swamped and had great prospects of receiving more work, but now I’m dry as a bone.

I scratch my head (between checking my e-mails and the job boards for a bite) and wonder, “How can it be so?”

But I push on. I applied yesterday for another job for a single book to edit, but the company or author (don’t know exactly who or what posted it)  is anonymous, so there is no way to follow up.

I also sent in my resume and cover letter less than an hour after a perfect job was posted last Wednesday, but have not heard back. Once again the company/poster is anonymous, so I can’t keep in touch. This job looked perfect. The company is seeking multiple editors, too, not just one, and a test will be issued (I tend to ace tests). Plus, the company is local. How perfect is that? I just don’t know which company or publisher it is.

Well, I must go. I must once again flip through the job boards and through my e-mail accounts to see if I have received anything. Whatsoever. At all. Or not. 

This is getting depressing.

Martin and movies

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and the family is home. I made sure that I thought about Martin today in appreciation of all he gave, including his life.

It was a good day. Actually, an excellent day. I took an hour-long walk with my husband over at the regional part across the street. Then the girls and I went to see a movie–a good one, too. It reminded me that I need to take these so-called mini-vacations every so often–to take time to enjoy myself and not get so wrapped up in the future or the negative aspects of my life. Overall, when all is said and done, I have a good life. A great life, even. We have our health and we have each other.

So, I must give gratitude today for:

1) Hollywood, for making movies that take us out of our element every so often, affording us a couple hours of pure pleasure.

2) My daughter for deciding, due to the current storm, not to take the two-plus-hour drive to LA today to see a friend–and for her spending a few hours with me and her sister instead.

3) The rain, for filling our reservoirs with much-needed water and turning our brown lawns green.

4) The publisher who sent me a test this weekend, giving me a chance at freelancing for his company.

5) Martin Luther King Jr., for giving his life for what he believed in so that people of color–and all of the oppressed–have an equal chance in this world.

Anniversary anxiety

Today is my and my husband’s 25th anniversary. It’s a milestone, but we’re not doing much more than we’d ordinarily do on an anniversary day. We’ll go out to dinner, but that’s about it.

I was hoping that when we reached this day we’d have enough money in the bank to live well and enough resources to look forward to a comfortable retirement, but neither of those things is the case. I worry more and more each day, it seems, about our future.

I understand that none of us can predict what the future will present us with, but some of us are better off to face it than others.

I’m having a hard time lately shaking the negative thoughts, but I must try.

So, today, I am grateful for:

1) My husband for sticking by me all these years.

2) My mom and my sister and one of my brothers for remembering our anniversary with a card and a gift.

3) My friend, with whom I just took a two-hour hike.

4) One of my job sources for sending me one small assignment so far this month.

5) My kids.