OK, if this positivity thing were a marathon, I’d be running in the opposite direction. I’m not doing well at all, but I plan to turn a new leaf, go back to square one, take the bull by the horns, and, well, every other cliche meaning to give it another try.
You see, I’m doomed if I continue in the path I’m on. In fact, the other day I think I took it a step too far. I may have cut off one of my oldest and dearest friends by being Mrs. Gloom and Doom. I was hiking with my friend and I told her I think I’m over the edge. I told her I think, in fact, that I may be depressed. That I should see a doctor. That I wouldn’t even get up in the morning if I didn’t have to see the kids off on their day. I may have “walking depression,” if there is such a thing. If not, I’ll be the first to coin the expression. It’s like walking pneumonia–you can get on with your day and not be bedridden, but you are still quite ill. Well, that’s how I’d been feeling, only the symptoms weren’t a bad cough and a fever, but rather gloom, doom, thoughts of impending disaster, thoughts that the world–my world–was going to only get worse instead of better. I was afraid to have optimism, because every time I found a job lead, I would be shot down with no job offer, not even a phone call or a rejection notice.
It was bad. I was nearly in tears.
I was (and I hate to admit this unattractive quality) pitying myself. I hate when people pout and feel sorry for themselves. It’s not a good habit to get into and it just digs the hole deeper. I may have been feeling depressed–maybe even clinically depressed–but I realize know I can get out of that hole before it gets so deep that the walls cave in on me.
I had thought that I was doing everything in my power to help my situation by sending out numerous resumes and searching the job boards for hours daily. But what I was missing was the right attitude.
Well, my friend, who has the power to hire me at the shop that she manages (but who gave the job to a mutual friend because the bigger boss liked her), will probably never again consider me for a position, if in fact she ever had (I’m not so sure she had no matter how much I begged). After seeing me on Friday, I wouldn’t hire me either. I was blaming others for the predicament I was in. Sure, I thought I was doing everything I could to find work, but was I really? Was I approaching life with the glass-half-full outlook or my usual glass-half-empty-and-I will-now-die-of-thirst-because-there-is-not-now-nor-ever-will-be-enough-water-in-this-world-to-quench-my-thirst scenario.
But I’m turning a new leaf, grabbing the bull by the horns, yada, yada, yada.
My outlook was unhealthy. I found myself gaining weight too. I’m not eating much, but I’ve put on several pounds in the past week or so. This has to do with more than the amount of food I’m shoving in my mouth or the fact that I’m packing on middle age poundage. It must have to do with my unhealthy attitude, too.
So, during this holiest of weeks of the year, I will sacrifice as Jesus did. Of course, my sacrifice won’t involve loss of a human life, but it will involve improving one. I will do my best to make this the best week of my life. I will.
. . . because I have so much to be grateful for, including:
1) A thoughtful oldest child who gave me a wonderful Mother’s Day present last year, which I finally got around to using today.
2) A husband to share a lovely breakfast with (my daughter’s gift).
3) The most amazing weather on the planet.
4) A treadmill to help me reach my goal to shed those pesky “toxic” pounds.
5) No job to have to go to daily (ironic, eh?) so that I can be home with my kids this week while they are off from school.
